we are the pirates who don't do anything
we just stay at home and lie around
and if you ask us to do anything
we'll just tell you, "we don't do anything!"

well I've never been to Greenland
and I've never been to Denver
and I've never buried treasure in St. Louis or St. Paul
and I've never been to Moscow
and I've never been to Tampa
and I've never been to Boston in the fall

we are the pirates who don't do anything
we just stay at home and lie around
and if you ask us to do anything
we'll just tell you, "we don't do anything!"

and I never hoist the mainstay
and I never swab the poop deck
and I never veer to starboard, 'cause I never sail at all
and I never walk the gang plank
and I've never owned a parrot.
and I've never been to Boston in the fall

we are the pirates who don't do anything
we just stay at home and lie around
and if you ask us to do anything
we'll just tell you, "we don't do anything!"

I've never plucked a rooster
and I am not too good at ping-pong
and I've never thrown my mashed potatoes up against the wall
and I've never kissed a chipmunk
and I've never gotten head lice
and I have never been to Boston in the fall

(pirate captain's log 2002
who be this band relient k
and why be they so full of contradictions)

we don't know what he did
but we're down with captain kidd
we don't wake up before lunch
but we all eat captain crunch
we don't smoke, we don't chew
we watch captain kangaroo

and I've never licked a spark-plug
and I've never sniffed a stink bug
and I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball
and I've never bathed in yogurt
and I don't look good in leggings
and I've never been to Boston in the fall

we are the pirates who don't do anything
we just stay at home and lie around
and if you ask us to do anything
we'll just tell you, "we don't do anything!"

we are the pirates who don't do anything
we just stay at home and lie around
and if you ask us to do anything
we'll just tell you, "we don't do anything!"