Billy solves his problems by calling up his Mom
Heather solves her problems with drugs and Alcohol
Daniel solves his problems with a doctor and the law
But Malcolm's got his own way and it's better than them all

Chorus
'Cause Malcolm solves his problems with a chainsaw
and he never has the same problem twice

Whether it's a bill or a cheque arriving late
Rancid marble cheese or a steak that's second rate
Awful TV programs or a broken Elvis plate
Or his fiancee who dumps him because he's gaining weight

Chorus

vruum vruum (with accompanied screaming)
Problem solved.